Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Getting nowhere fast

My three regular readers might have noticed not a lot has changed on my blog recently. This is because my computer which has been wheezing and spluttering for quite some time has decided to die. Until I can get some money together my posts will be quite sporadic.

Thursday, 10 September 2009

Everyone likes lists

I have been a tired grumpy commuter for a few months now and I thought it might be a good to time to list the things that have warmed my cockles and the things which have caused my hair to fall out at a quicker rate than it already is - thanks dad.

The things I hate

People talking in the morning, all conversation should be banned till at least 10am, especially jovial conversation.

Getting hit in the face with someone's wobbly arse as they try to unsuccessfully navigate the carriage - just use the bus!

People who aren't going to work.

People who cough and splutter as if it was joyful.

A woman who always presses the traffic light button even though she has seen me do it before her, she does this everyday.

The things I love

Trumping with my headphones on as I walk, you can't hear how loud they are so who cares.

The OCD woman who legs it to the carriage every morning so she can get the same seat, I'm going to race her one day to see if she freaks out

Lovers saying goodbye and greeting one another, well I'm not a complete heartless turd.

Dick Slide

This has to be weirdest slide I have seen and without doubt the most pervy. It is quite a good example of what happens if you don't use contraception though.

Also, who the hell thought it would be helpful to play Queen on the kazoo? All in all, quite disturbing.

Sunday, 6 September 2009

This is genius

Bacon is good for me!

I can't work out if this guy is a precocious little turd or a forthright dwarf.


Thursday, 3 September 2009

Sheeeeeeitttttttttttttt

Your annoying friend who keeps banging on about how the The Wire is the best TV programme ever made is right and if you haven't watched the series, go out, buy the boxset and prepare to lose hours of your life.

This clip doesn't at all explain why I love it but it makes me laugh.

Holy crap

In February, a man who appeared with al-Asiri on Saudi Arabia’s list of most-wanted militants — former Guantanamo Bay inmate Mohammed al-Awfi — surrendered in Yemen and was transported to Saudi Arabia where he renounced terrorism and entered into the kingdom’s amnesty program.

But al-Asiri was not a genuine repentant — he was a human Trojan horse. After al-Asiri entered a small room to speak with Prince Mohammed, he activated a small improvised explosive device (IED) he had been carrying inside his anal cavity. The resulting explosion ripped al-Asiri to shreds but only lightly injured the shocked prince — the target of al-Asiri’s unsuccessful assassination attempt.


Good lord!

Taken from here

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Headline of the week

If I have said it once, I have said it million times, Yeti's dirty little perverts the lot of em!

Bikini girl: Pervert yeti stalked me

A teenager has added fresh rumour to the yeti debate after claiming the beast spied on her in her bikini as she paddled in a river.

Justyna Folger was having a dip during a camping trip when a shadowy creature appeared on the opposite bank.

'At first I thought it was a bear but it appeared to be stooping and then it raised itself on to two legs and ran off. I couldn't believe it,' said Miss Folger, 19.

Found it 'here'

Monday, 31 August 2009

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Poetry corner

I was reading the local rag today and found this treasure on the letters page. Prepared to be moved!

Rainy days cut son's stay short

My son came on a visit from Oz

He did not stay long here becoz

it rained and rained,he went off the track

called at Thailand on his way back.

Said it was much better there

said in Thailand rain was rare

he's back in Oz now soon be

No mozzies, no roaches, everything

It hibanates or does not appear

till later on in the Ozzie year

out come the spiders the ones that bite

I drown them in spray they give me a fright

My son swears they saw one in his car

braked with a jolt, and found the spid-ar

set off driving to their abode

saw the spider walking down the middle of the road.

Maureen Taylor, Vicar Lane, Woodhouse

Taken from here

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Moronic Dash

I would like to think that I’m a mature and well rounded adult. I pay my taxes, buy boring things such as insurance, take notice of interest rates and I always vote.

However, every now and then it dawns on me that in fact, I haven’t developed as much as my enforced fa├žade displays. Often the mask slips and glimmers of that annoying and quite moronic fool that controlled me for the first twenty years of my life is for all to see.

Today that moronic side forced me into a race.

Walking to work I normally have to stop at some traffic lights at a bottom of a hill. When the green man began flashing today, instead of trudging along with the other clones, I suddenly found myself in a foot face to its summit with a tracksuit clad youth.

He overtook me and something snapped. I wouldn’t and couldn’t let this teen beat me. He got a good start and quickly over took me, I showed great resilience quickly passing him but again the Nike sponsored cretin overtook me.

We didn’t look at each other or acknowledge the fact they we were in a duel but we knew the score.

This stride off continued for a good ten minutes until I got the ultimate advantage and eventually won. I seized the initiative and nipped in front of a car, quite dangerously, and gave him the slip.

Aha! Victory!

A moronic victory.

Sunday, 23 August 2009