Say it in your head

Waiting to slump off the train and power walk to another sweat-encrusted day in the catacomb office, when I noticed a middle-aged woman wheezing with strange intent behind me. Unknown to her, I haven’t as yet turned on my daily news podcast about far flung turmoil in places I probably will never visit, so I can her every snotty bubbling vibration. I do the normal thing – denial.

If she was to keel over, I would of course intervene. Most probably by standing over her staring agog, but for now I stay completely rigid and unresponsive. I was sure she would stop. But no, the wheezing became louder and more pronounced the longer I waited for the platform to whizz into view.

Another dreary looking woman next to me, whose skin seems to sit involuntarily hanging off her chin, shoots me a look of confused concern. I stay rigid. Untouched and dead to the moment. I sneaked a look at the wheezer.

Suddenly she sank to her knees and then with a sigh moved to an unattractive squatting position – normally found by animals in local parks or humans in car parks, depending on the area. This prompts the gristle pebble-dashed chin wobbler next to me to again shot me another look but this time, I cave in and reciprocate the sentiment. The squatter must have seen the exchange because she suddenly boomed. “I really need the toilet.”

For one, what kind of grown woman would ever say that type of thing out loud and two, she was squatting next to a freaking toilet!